Vulnerable, Fragile and Reluctant

If you know me, these are not words I would normally use to describe myself.  But I have been out of sorts understandably.  I tackled my diagnosis and treatment head on, full force and now I'm coming to terms with everything.  Yes, I'm thankful. Yes, I'm happy to be able to go forward.
People look at me and think I'm fine because I look fine.  I had a few annoyed looks when I said I was tired.  As if by now I should be back to normal.  What they don't know is it still hurts to wear a bra and to zip my pants around my tummy-even loosely.  My body still aches.  My chest often feels tight as a result of the tamoxifen and gosh darn it I still get tired easily.
It's the end of Breast Cancer Awareness month and I'm not even sure how I feel about all of that.  Once you have breast cancer your views change because everything changes.  I have learned more than I've ever wanted to know about breast cancer.  But the upside of that is I am a very vocal person and can get the message out.  I'm getting back in the swing of things even when I don't want to.  I'm going to yoga once a week.  I am back to going to the grocery store and I've made friends with my treadmill again.
I haven't been returning all my phone calls and I'm slowly getting back to work.  My emotions have been all over the place.  I have started journaling about everything and I have been very creative with my procrastination on that.  I want to acknowledge my feelings, embrace them, mourn and move forward.  Meh.
I have to figure out who this new person is.  Not only do I feel different, I look different.  Not to anyone else, of course.  I understand acting your way into feeling, I'm on it.
When I went to see my oncologist on the 17th I asked her if having numbness in my hand was a side affect.  Nope.  She's worried about me having a stroke.  I think it's just from all the nerve damage because of surgery.  And I nearly talked myself out of going to the neurologist after I left her office.  But here's what I've learned, I don't have the luxury of doing that anymore.  I have to listen to my body and cover all my bases.
So now I'll be having a brain MRI with contrast which made me cry when I found out.  It triggered remembering my last MRI with contrast on my former right breast.  It's the unknown that's hard.  I know Jesus has my back, it's just a new reality.